a small victory…

Posted on January 22, 2014 by hugmamma

In a previous post, doubting thomas, I wrote that Mark Zmuda had been fired as the vice principal of Eastside Catholic School because he had married his gay partner during the summer. It seems that an overwhelming protest by students, parents, alumni and community supporters has brought about the resignation of the woman who fired Zmuda, Sister Mary Tracy, former president and CEO of EC.

Only time will tell how Eastside Catholic moves forward from this landmark event. Catholics nationwide, perhaps even worldwide, will probably stay tuned to the fall out.

At a time when the Church is still recovering from a black eye rendered by priests accused of molesting boys, the fact that faithful in the community are voicing their support for gays who are trying to live their lives openly with loved ones while contributing to society is a step in the right direction.

In my opinion rules that suppress those who try to use their God-given gifts and talents to help others, are archaic and should be changed.

I must admit to being a johnny-come-lately to the cause of gay and lesbian equality. I grew up with the same taboos as many in my generation. When it came to homosexuality, I left the thinking to the adults.

Since I’ve become that adult, I no longer subscribe to the hokum that I was spoon fed as a child and teenager.

As with any prejudice, overcoming it occurs when we get up close and personal.

I’ve not only exchanged greetings with any number of gays and lesbians, I’ve hugged them, laughed with them, rejoiced with them, and yes, even loved them for who they are…without reservations. There’s no BUT in my regard for these men and women. I will proudly stand with them before God on the day of reckoning, just as I will with non-Catholics and atheists.

All I ask of friends and family is that we join together in valuing others lives as we value our own.

God gave Moses the following Ten Commandments…

I am the Lord, your God.
Thou shall bring no false idols before me.
Do not take the name of the Lord in vain.
Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.
Honor thy father and thy mother.
Thou shall not kill/murder^†.
Thou shall not commit adultery.
Thou shall not steal^††.
Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
Thou shall not covet^‡ your neighbor’s wife (or anything that belongs to your neighbor).

There is no reference to the so-called sin of homosexuals.

Yes, the Bible as men have written it makes mention of the atrocities associated with sexual deviants. But I would include heterosexuals who commit such depraved acts upon unwilling persons. Why these should be welcomed into God’s kingdom, while good men and women who only ask that they be allowed to spend their lives with whomever they love, is incomprehensible to any thinking person. Irrational, really.

I never doubt God…but I’m always wary of the wolf in sheep’s clothing who seeks to lead me astray from the goodness I feel in my heart for those who are three-dimensional like me.

Unlike Hester Payne the adulteress in A Scarlet Letter who was forced to wear the letter “A” as a badge for the crime she committed, good folks of a different sexual orientation should not be made to live apart and in shame as though they were less than the rest of us.

I know I’m not better than. I only know I am equal to.

I’ve not walked in their shoes. So who am I to sit in judgement?

…i am not God.

………hugmamma.

nurturing thursdays: bullying

Posted on October 26, 2013 by hugmamma

We’re all very familiar with the bullying that takes place among youngsters. These days it’s even taken to cyberspace…big time! Short of throwing the computer out the window, I’ve little advice to offer parents who are dealing with this recent phenomenon.

English: A graph showing where electronic aggression occurs. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Perhaps if we backtracked a little however, we might do a little preventative work towards laying a better foundation to help alleviate bullying.

It amazes me when adults work themselves into a dither over children being bullied by other children. I often think…well, how about the bullying that goes on day in and day out among adults? Did we pass some kind of hazing threshold which now permits us to have at it? Or have the years worn us down so that we could care less if we overflow onto one another? Good manners be damned?

My own experiences with bullying have left me with an assortment of thoughts on the subject.

As the youngest I was an easy target for bullying by my older siblings. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hide behind the Catholic church’s teachings commanding us to love one another.

For some reason, society doesn’t point its collective finger at the family when it comes to bullying. We’ve come to accept that the older children are just naturally given to mistreating their younger brothers and sisters, if they’re so inclined. Perhaps it’s deemed a lesson in survival. Or it might be that parents are either too overwhelmed or too clueless to manage the ongoing spats of their offspring. Easier to let them settle things themselves.

Yes, lessons are good. However the downside of bullying within a family is that it often creates enmity. Loving one another is a given, especially when tragedy strikes. Liking one another is a whole other thing. And it’s the liking that allows us to coexist in harmony for more than a holiday dinner or a wedding celebration or attendance at a funeral.

Where do children learn the art of bullying? I would suggest that the primary source is the example their parents set. If a father bullies a mother or vice versa, such behavior goes a long way in convincing youngsters that bullying is okay. If parents didn’t engage in bullying and condemned such behavior in others, it would follow that children wouldn’t succumb to something of which their parents disapproved.

I understand that raising children not to bully is complicated by outside forces over which we have little or no control. Nevertheless, wouldn’t it be a good beginning to lay down some ground rules within the family so that bullying might not find fertile ground upon which to take hold, grow, thrive, and spread?

Paralleling the Ten Commandments given to Moses by God, family members might be commanded to…

Love one another as you love your own self.
Treat one another as you would want to be treated.
Before lashing out with unkind words or gestures, have a discussion with yourself to weigh the pros and cons. Seek guidance from someone whose counsel you respect.
If #3 doesn’t work for you…count to 100…or 1,000…or 5,000…whatever it takes to calm yourself down.
If neither #3 or #4 work, go for a walk in the great outdoors where the sights, sounds, and smells might have a calming effect upon you.
Get to know one another…your likes…your dislikes…your vulnerabilities…your passions. You do this with friends. Why not with siblings? Are they that alien to you?
Put yourself in one another’s shoes, figuratively-speaking. What’s it like to be dad with his financial worries? Or mom who’s always stressed with so much to do? What’s it like to be the eldest missing the attention once reserved only for him or her? Or the youngest who feels left out, left behind? Is it true that middle children feel as though they’re invisible?
Compliment one another. If doing so makes a complete stranger’s day, like the waiter or the barista, think what it can do for your own family member? Tell mom she’s a great cook…often! Congratulate your sister on her excellent grades.
Tell one another “I love you” every day. You never know if it’ll be the last time you get to say it.
Respect one another…and yourself. If you have a legitimate gripe, speak up. And be sure you allow others to have their say as well.

I would offer one more suggestion.

Families should refrain from gossiping about one another…to one another. Doing so only breeds ill-will. I know. It happened in my own family, creating untold and unresolved disruptions to relationships that will probably never be rectified. Better to vent to good friends who have no personal stake in the matter, and who are committed to supporting you regardless.

Bullying can take on a life of its own, having far-reaching effects which often span a person’s entire lifetime.

The one given to bullying can wind up behind bars because he injured another driver in a road rage incident. Someone who’s often the focus of bullying can finally snap, shooting and killing innocent victims in an attempt to assuage his torment.

Short of such drastic true-to-life scenarios, however, are the day-to-day consequences many of us face as a result of bullying.

I hate confrontations because I don’t like hurting people’s feelings, even when a wrong has been done to me. When I have had to say something hurtful to put someone in his or her place, I feel guilty forever after. Thankfully, I’ve learned to forgive myself and move on.

Low self-esteem can be a side product of being bullied. Recovering one’s confidence can be a lifetime job.

Loss of trust is another factor when bullied. The victim forever doubts what’s said going forward. Only after what seems a lifetime of reassurances can trust be reinvested, if it’s even possible.

Bullies probably never think of themselves as such. Perhaps we should all ask ourselves…

…am i a bully?…

………hugmamma.

“gays,” a rabbi’s viewpoint

Posted on October 17, 2010 by hugmamma

Once again I’m reprinting the opinion of another author in my blog. Rabbi Shmuley Boteach interjects a very interesting and compelling argument in support of gays. None of us are experts, but those so inclined can try to infuse some logic and reason to level the playing field for those among us who have been relegated to society’s periphery.

I am familiar with the writings of Rabbi Boteach; I read his book The Michael Jackson Tapes – A Tragic Icon Reveals His Soul in Intimate Conversation. A compassionate man, the Rabbi felt he could help Jackson devote his talents to a greater cause than self-aggrandizement, in the hopes that his life would be more personally satisfying. Unfortunately, the two men went their separate ways, as it was difficult for the entertainer to relinquish his life in the spotlight. He returned to his fans, whose adulation forever defined who he was, even beyond death.

And so I commiserate with Rabbi Boteach’s empathy for gays. They should thrive as we do, for they are also the children of God.

My Jewish Perspective on Homosexuality

Carl Paladino, the Republican candidate for governor of New York, sparked controversy this week by declaring in a speech at an Orthodox synagogue that children shouldn’t be ‘brainwashed’ into considering homosexuality acceptable. He later apologized, saying that he supports gay rights but opposes gay marriage. The Rabbi who hosted Mr. Paladino’s speech then retracted his endorsement of the candidate.

Some people of faith insist that homosexuality is gravely sinful because the Bible calls it an ‘abomination.’ But that word appears approximately 122 times in the Bible. Eating nonkosher food is an ‘abomination’ (Deuteronomy 14:3). A woman returning to her first husband after being married in the interim is an ‘abomination (Deuteronomy 24:4). Bringing a blemished sacrifice on God’s altar is an abomination (Deuteronomy 17:1). Proverbs goes so far as to label envy, lying and gossip ‘an abomination to (the Lord)’ (3:32, 16:22).

As an orthodox Rabbi, I do not deny the biblical prohibition on male same-sex relationships. I simply place it in context. There are 613 commandments in the Torah. One is to refrain from gay sex. Another is for men and women to marry and have children. So when Jewish gay couples tell me they have never been attracted to members of the opposite sex and are desperately alone, I tell them, ‘You have 611 commandments left. That should keep you busy. Now, go create a kosher home. Turn off the TV on the Sabbath and share your meals with many guests. Pray to God three times a day for you are his beloved children. He desires you and seeks you out.’

I once asked Pat Robertson, ‘Why can’t you simply announce to all gay men and women, ‘Come to Church. Whatever relationship you’re in, God wants you to pray. He wants you to give charity. He wants you to lead a godly life.’ He answered to the effect that homosexuality is too important to overlook, as it is the greatest threat to marriage and the family. Other evangelical leaders have told me the same.

But with one of every two heterosexual marriages failing, much of the Internet dedicated to degrading women through pornography, and a culture that is materially insatiable while all-too spiritually content, can we straight people really say that gays are ruining our families? We’ve done a mighty fine job of it ourselves, thank you very much.

The excessive concern about homosexuality that is found among many of my religious brothers and sisters–in many Muslim countries being gay is basically a death sentence–stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of sin. The Ten Commandments were given on two tablets to connote two different kinds of transgression: religious and moral. The first tablet discussed religious transgressions between God and man, such as the prohibitions of idolatry, blasphemy and desecration of the Sabbath. The second tablet contained moral sins between man and his fellow man, like adultery, theft and murder.

Homosexuality is a religious, not a moral sin. A moral sin involves injury to an innocent party. Who is harmed when two unattached, consenting adults are in a relationship? Homosexuality is akin to the prohibition against lighting fire on the Sabbath or eating bread during Passover; there is nothing immoral about it, but it violates the divine will.

I am in favor of gay civil unions rather than marriage because I am against redefining marriage. But gay marriage doesn’t represent the end of Western civilization. The real killer is the tsunami of divorce and the untold disruption to children who become yo-yos going from house to house on weekends.

I have countless gay friends whose greatest fear, like that of so many straight people, is to end up alone. Should we just throw the book at these people? The Bible says, ‘It is not good for man to be alone.’ All I ask from my religious brethren is this: Even as you oppose gay relationships because of your beliefs, please be tortured by your opposition. Understand that when our most deeply held beliefs conflicts with our basic humanity, we should feel the tragedy of the conflict, not find convenient scapegoats upon whom to blame America’s ills.

Wall Street Journal, 10/15/10 (Rabbi Boteach is founder of This World: The Values Network, a national organization that promotes universal Jewish values to heal America. His latest book is ‘Renewal: A Guide To The Values-Filled Life’ (Basic Books, 2010).)

hugs for the rabbi…hugmamma.